"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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