Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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