either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dick very happy bro
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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