If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
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