In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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