OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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