A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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