The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
