I hate all girls vehemently.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
