Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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