he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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