I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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