A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
