What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
