Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
