The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
They have beer where we have blood.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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