I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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