how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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