1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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