Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
