I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
