i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
