hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
