but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
