Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
