I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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