Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I did not marry a roomba.
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