Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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