I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
