If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
