i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
