I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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