It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Who died my cat blue again?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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