we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
