i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
