dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
