Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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