How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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