I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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