Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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