I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
