If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
