I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
