Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
