I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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