my soul wont recognize me after tonight
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
