the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
