I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
