somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
