just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
