he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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